Inspiration

I didn't think I had anything to write about today...but I'm finding that may not be true. I just read through several blogs of close friends of mine and it seemed they all had a general theme: GOD. This is not surprising to me, since the reason I am so close to these three beautiful women is through our church. It honestly took a lot for me just to type "our" church. By typing it, however, I feel as though I'm recommitting. As many of you know, I grew up in church. We went to church every Sunday, and Wednesdays too...for Lent, Advent, choir practices, etc. I was in choirs, I was best friends with the pastor's kids, I led and participated in Pioneers for years...I practically lived at church. It was all I knew. In high school, I was introduced to a completely new experience. I was invited to a church unlike one I had ever experienced. These people were loud, bubbly, PASSIONATE. That was, and still is, the biggest draw for me. At the church where I grew up, I never saw that outward passion for Christ. I know it was there, at least in some (my parents included), but I never saw it outwardly the way I did at the new church. Here, it was encouraged to sing until you were hoarse, clap until your palms were raw, to hug and cry and FEEL. This was a church after my own heart. <3 I loved going every week. I became more and more involved, and deeper into the core of the church. I sang on stage, I went on retreats, I volunteered in the kidzone. I was completely and fully devoted to the mission of my church. I became a new person. When Destin and I "re-met", I was FULL of passion for Christ. I specifically remember talking nonstop through that first date about my church that I loved so much. I couldn't wait to bring him with me to a youth group event and to a Sunday morning service. I was head over heels in love... with my church, my friends, my GOD. And it was a GREAT feeling.

However, just like in any relationship, there were some rough patches. My entire life took an unexpected turn and I found myself in a dark place. I pulled away. My friends didn't know me anymore...and I was no longer the same passionate person. I pulled away even farther. I convinced myself that it was "The Church"'s fault, it was God's fault, it was my friends' fault. Anyone but mine. I was just living my life, an innocent victim to all that was happening to me. I fought with everyone I cared about. I was hurtling uncontrollably down this rocky path. I blamed my Church and eventually, we "broke up". I stopped all of it. I pulled into myself and convinced my heart and my mind that I was still a believer, but that I didn't need to go to church every week. I tried a few other churches, unsuccessfully. There was something missing in all of them. I knew that this empty void could only be filled with one thing. GOD. I needed him back in my life, but I wasn't sure how. I tried reading my Bible, but found that it frustrated me. I wasn't feeling anything anymore. I didn't feel inspired or passionate. Just annoyed. Annoyed that HE had turned His back on ME when I needed Him most.

So, in typical Lauren fashion, I decided to do something about it. No more playing the victim. I would show that Church that I was happy without it. I would even show God that I was just fine on my own.... so I went back to that Church. I was making a statement. I would hold my head high and show the Church that I was doing fine on my own.
But when I got there...I broke down. I apologized. I cried. Sobbed, rather. Because guess what? I missed it. I was shocked to discover this, but I missed being intertwined in the very being of the Church. These people, though they have changed, are my community. My inspiration. They make me strive to be the best person I can be. They inspire me to live boldly, live passionately and live for GOD. wow.

I am not perfect. Far, FAR from it actually. I am not even GOOD. There are things in my life that I am not proud of. There are deep stirrings within me that I would not admit to anyone. But I am beginning to fill that void that has been so vacant for so long. I want to be the best mother, daughter, friend, and wife that I can be. But I cannot do it alone. That's what we talked about today. I am not a good person. I know this. But GOD is GREAT!!! I can do this, through HIM who gives me strength. and THAT is a good feeling. :-D